dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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