I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
