Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
