chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize