I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
