? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
