my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
