she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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