Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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