i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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