i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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