I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
