Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
