You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
