No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
