Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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