I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
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Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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