Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
