I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
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End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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