Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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