just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
