I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
