dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
