I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
