I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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