i love accidental penises.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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