I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
