I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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