Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
