my soul wont recognize me after tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
