i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
