The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
