I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
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I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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