Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
