It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
