Soap is not a condiment
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
