____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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