Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
