Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
