so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
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