After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
