My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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