He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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