I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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