Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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