rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
