WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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