I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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