Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
