my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
