woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
