the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
