Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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