GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
