there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
