If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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