beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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