My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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