So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
