My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
