I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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