I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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