Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
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I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
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Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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